With World Mental Health day being this week I thought I’d open up a discussion because I’m aware that I often talk about how to stay positive but not often about the thoughts I have to get me to the point of constantly having to fight to be happy and positive.
Constantly feeling shit, dealing with pain on a daily basis, always having to be so strict with your lifestyle, getting 8 hours sleep but still feeling like you could sleep for eternity are just some of the reasons that make you fight hard everyday just to do simple things like getting yourself into work or out of bed. Last week in particular I was overwhelmed with sadness and feeling upset but I couldn’t figure out why. I kept thinking to myself ‘what’s wrong?’ ‘Why are you feeling like this?’ ‘You got through treatment, you’re back at work, you have food on the table and a roof over your head!’ I was just so confused at my own feelings and couldn’t conceptualise that out of everything that’s happened the past few years why am I just out of the blue feeling so sad. I couldn’t even control it, I kept telling myself everything is great but it’s like my psyche wouldn’t believe me and I couldn’t kick these sad feelings.
I’m so grateful for my MS OT because really without her I’d be so lost and everyone, no matter how strong you are needs someone to keep them strong. After some deep conversation it really just came down to being so mentally and physically exhausted that my body could not find the energy to even be positive anymore. Everyday I have to convince myself that I’m feeling good, I pretend I can’t feel the nerve pain in my body, I pretend my bones aren’t aching, I pretend I’m not fatigued by talking to myself and getting myself excited about little things but realised this week that this behaviour in itself causes extreme mental exhaustion! The consequence was that I totally exploded last week and all I could do was cry. I felt like I was crying for absolutely no reason but realised through my conversation with my OT that it is completely necessary to take the time to feel these feelings and let it out.
I also realised looking at this year in perspective with everything that’s gone on I’ve only taken 2 weeks leave for a holiday because my crazy, sick conscience thinks that 2 weeks is enough because I had 2 weeks off this year of sick leave for treatment recovery. It’s NOT enough and sick leave is just that, SICK LEAVE, not chuck on a bikini and swim your worries away. So in retrospect it’s my body just telling me it needs a break and to stop pretending everything is ok all the time. It’s OK NOT TO BE OK!!!! I constantly say it but I never allow myself not to be ok because I feel like I don’t want to worry anyone. But even the toughest people break sometimes and last week I most certainly broke.
It’s not something I really wanted to share but I receive so many DMs of people saying ‘how are you so positive all the time’ and I think it’s super important to know that it’s not the case all the time. It’s important to have mental check ins with yourself and see how you’re coping. Talk to someone you trust and often you just need to sit and cry, take a rest day and then come back fighting stronger. I’m not 100% mentally cured from my crying outburst but I acknowledged my feelings and now I’m just taking it day by day. I encourage everyone when feeling this way to understand it’s normal, it doesn’t make you weak, there is nothing to be ashamed about and to talk to someone because whether you are dealing with illness or not, everyone has problems and life is hard, going through it by yourself only makes it worse!
Remember it’s ok not to be ok and reach out if you need someone to talk to ❤️
Until next time, Rania xoxox